TemplarLord's Mass Effect Story v1.51 [REVAMPED]

Beginning of v1.0...

TemplarLord: So, you played Mass Effect yet?
SomeNoob: No, I haven't, been busy playing Spore.
TemplarLord: You haven't played Mass Effect yet? You racist son of a...
*Readies his HMSWR X*
(SomeNoob gulps)
NeutralPeople: Yo, dawg, chill! Chill!!
TemplarLord: Lemme have him! I'll vaporize the bitch!! I'll go all Saren-style on him!!!
(SomeNoob runs away)
TemplarLord: You can run... But my Battle Optics X will pick you up... Muahahahaha!
SomeNoob: (Yells from a distance) Haha, no it won't! I got the Geth Jammer, you'll never find me!
TemplarLord: Gawd damn it... Shit! Get to tha Mako! AfSAP!
NeutralPeople: Hell no, you ain't paying us nearly enough dough for this shit!
TemplarLord: Aight, aight, we're off to tha Den once we're @ the Citadel? Cool?
NeutralPeople: U better keep your gawd damn word this time...
[NeutralPeople are now known as TemplarLord's Crew]
TemplarLord: To tha Mako!
--
(After 2 hours of hopeless searching)
--
Clyde: 'Tis futile u infidel! We're never gonna find the little punk!
TemplarLord: Whaddya say?!
*TemplarLord gets his HMWP X*
TemplarLord's Crew: Not again...!
*TemplarLord fires a few mislead shots towards Clyde*
TemplarLord: Aww, it's hopeless... Let's go back to the Citadel.
(TemplarLord's crew cheers)
TemplarLord: (quietly) Celebrate now; while you still can...
Mark: What was that, sir?
TemplarLord: Nothing, nothing, move along.
Mark: (quietly) Crazy maniac...
Dylan: Tell me about it...
*TemplarLord fires a shot near Mark*
TemplarLord: I thought I said MOVE ALONG!
Mark: Holy shit!
(TL's Crew Member runs away)
TemplarLord: Good, run away ho!
Clyde: He was the pilot, sir.
TemplarLord: Right, right... Yo, Dylan!
Dylan: Sup?
TemplarLord: Listen, can you...
Dylan: Where's Mark running off to?
TemplarLord: ... he thinks he's seen a thresher maw... Paranoid little fuck; anyways listen, can you pilot?
Clyde: You're gonna let HIM pilot us back?
Dylan: Shut up; fo sho boss.
TemplarLord: There, I have the utmost confidence that you can do it.
Clyde: Let's just get to the Citadel, please?
TemplarLord: Aight, let's move.
--
(After 3 hours of riding in the Mako)
--
Clyde: Woah, shit, watch out for that rock...!
Dylan: What rock?
(The Mako almost crashes)
Clyde: That rock... Damn niggah, you can't drive for shit!
TemplarLord: Uhh...
Dylan: STFU, I told ya, 'tis a shortcut, naamean?
TL's Crew Member no.02: Whatever ya crazy, old, blind, dumb fool, just get us there. Fast.
TemplarLord: Oh fu... blarghhhh...
Dylan: I would you it faster if you weren't in my face all the time.
Clyde: In your fac...
(TemplarLord pukes)
TemplarLord's Crew: Aww, sick dude!
Dylan: Shit... I thought I told you not to eat that wicked looking pizza thingy, ya phreak.
TemplarLord: Uhh... Well now you have it back, you happy now?
Clyde: Great, now we have to keep up with your pathetic driving, and Temp's puke. Can it get any worse?
(Loud screaming outside the Mako)
Dylan: THRESHER MAW!!!
TemplarLord: Oh shit! Dylan, drive around randomly; Clyde, get on that cannon and give it all you got!
Clyde: I got a better idea.
(Clyde drops Temp's puke outside)
TemplarLord: And this is supposed to save us?
Clyde: No, I just had to make sure whether I wanted to be in here, alongside your puke, or out there with the maw.
TemplarLord: Idiot.
Dylan: He's got a point there boss.
TemplarLord: Whatever, the thresher maw is losing us, we should be safe.
Dylan: (quietly) Lol, it's defo going for your puke...
Clyde: Aight then, let's get back to the ship.
--
(After arriving to the ship)
--
TemplarLord: Finally; next time, I drive.
Clyde: You really think that to be a good idea you puking son... I, I mean, sir.
TemplarLord: Sure you do; come on let's get on teh ship.
(Reaching the front entrance)
TemplarLord: 'Sup, c'mon, let us in.
Ship VI: Your identification password, sir?
TemplarLord: This thing deaf? Let us in!
Clyde: You have to say the password... Sir.
TemplarLord: Really? I thought this opens by itself.
Dylan: It does, but no pass - no go.
TemplarLord: Ermm, ID pass, ID pass, what did I put here... Open, sesame?
Ship VI: ...
TemplarLord: Ermm, melon?
Ship VI: ...
Clyde: Maybe if you remember the time when you were inputing the password, sir?
Dylan: Yeah, put yourself in that position, if you had to input the password again, what would you say?
TemplarLord: Hmm, an ID password, what to pick, what to pick...
Ship VI: Access granted, welcome back skippie.
(TL's Crew laughing)
TemplarLord: Argh, remind me to re-programme that later.
Dylan: Will do.
Clyde: Yeah, and this time you might actually use a password.
TemplarLord: STFU, let's get back to tha Citadel ya dorks. Mark ain't here, is he?
Dylan: Forget about him, let's go get some booty!
--
(After docking at the Citadel -- in the elevator from the Docking Bay to C-Sec)
--
Clyde: Finally here... Chora's Den here we come!
Dylan: Boss, you coming along?
TemplarLord: I'll catch ya later, got something to take care of.
(Exiting the elevator)
Clyde: Whatever, catch ya later.
Dylan: Peace out.
(Seeing the Citadel decorated in a weird, flashy style)
TemplarLord: What the fuck?
Dylan: The hell?
Clyde: I think we traveled along the wrong relay dudes... I told you it was right, not left you moron!
Dylan: Was that before or after you were looking at the map of the Terminus Systems?
TemplarLord: Yo, this is the Citadel, only, seems to have been assaulted and taken over by a
bunch of christians! Prepare for battle!
*TL's Crew get their gunz out*
TemplarLord: You see a christian, you fucking blow their brainz out. No phreaking exceptions, got it?
Dylan: What if it's a christian child?
Clyde: There are no children in the Mass Effect universe idiot.
Dylan: Oh, right, got it then
TemplarLord: Move out!.
C-Sec Officer: Woah, woah, what the hell do you think you're doing?
TemplarLord: You believe in christ?
C-Sec Officer: No... But I will have to ask you to hand your weapons over.
TemplarLord: No, bro, wouldn't you rather join us in taking over the Citadel from the evil christians?
C-Sec Officer: Wow, wow, hold on a moment there, what christians?
Dylan: The ones that obviously took the Citadel over and ruined it! Precious Chora's Den, I'm coming baby!
C-Sec Officer: What... Ohh, nah, you got it all wrong, Christians didn't took over the station.
Clyde: They didn't? Then what the hell is this christmas stuff doing all over the station?
C-Sec Officer: The humans passed a proposal of decorating the whole station like this, and it passed with the Council.
TemplarLord: It passed? The fuck were they smoking?!
Clyde: Is there a part of the Citadel that wasn't decorated?
C-Sec Officer: Yeah, there's the atheistic part of the citadel that wasn't decorated... But it's sort of messed up, some parts are decorated, the religious parts, and some aren't... I.E. the Flux, for one, wasn't.
TL's Crew: Chora's Den?
C-Sec Officer: 'Course not.
Dylan: Oh, hellz yeah, that's all I care about.
(TL's Crew makes it's way to the Den)
TemplarLord: Worst time of the year...
(People passing by): No shit Sherlock.
--
(TL's Crew making it's way to the Den)
--
Clyde: For fuck sakes, the hell all these people doing around here?
Dylan: It's fucking Christmas dude, what the hell did you expect?
Clyde: Well, I sure as hell didn't expect to see Turians dressed up as Santa Claus.
Dylan: I wasn't expecting to see such hot Mrs. Clauses either... Rawr!
Clyde: You do know those are Salarians dressed up as women, right?
Dylan: ... FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!! FUCK JESUS BLOODY CHRIST & FUCK GOD!!! FUCK 'EM ALL!!!
(Dozens of people face towards TL's Crew)
Dylan: ... Oh shit.
Clyde: Good going stupid! -- Just to clarify, I do not know this man!
Ugly christian no.01: Don't you know that jesus christ saved us from eternal damnation?
Fat christian no.01: Don't you care for our holy savior, who sacrificed himself for our sins?
Clyde: Sure we do, I-I mean I do!
TL's Crew Member no.02: Not really no, we're atheists, and we were just making our way to the Den. So if you could, MOVE THE FUCK AWAY.
(Clyde slaps Dylan)
Dylan: Jesus fucking christ, what'd you do that for?!
Clyde: Well, like, you're laughing at other people's religion n shit...
Dylan: Oooooh, look who's talking, the dude that tried to bomb the redeemer back on Earth. Too bad you got caught dude...
Clyde: Yeah, that was pretty sweet... I mean, I would do no such thing!
Angry christian no.01: Alright, that's it, GET THEM!
(Angry christian Crowd takes TL's Crew as prisoners)
[TemplarLord's Crew are now known as Atheist POW's]
--
(TemplarLord walking through the Presidium)
--
TemplarLord: Oh shit, I am going to be sick again...
(TemplarLord's cell rings)
TemplarLord: Oh bloody hell... Arrrrgh...
(TemplarLord vomits in the river)
Asari Consort: Ewwww, sick!
TemplarLord: Ah, much better... Why hello there...
Asari Consort: (Quietly) Weirdo... (goes away)
(TemplarLord answers his cell)
TemplarLord: 'Sup.
Dave: Yo ma homie, wassup!!
TemplarLord: (exhales) Whaddya want Dave?
Dave: Yo, that ain't no way to be treating a nigga, homeboi, but whatever, I got a msg for you from Udina.
TemplarLord: What does he want now? More red sand?
(TemplarLord sees his Crew on the news)
News: '... they were dragged down here and a public crucifixion is to follow, says their spokesman...'
Dave: No, pf, that never happened. Except for that one time. You are to immediately assemble your crew and get back to your ship; supposedly, there's an attack coming from the Geth! Understood soulja?
(TemplarLord drops his cell and runz toward the Den)
Dave: ... You there niggah?
--
(Reaching the Angry christian Crowd)
--
TemplarLord: THE FUCK is going on around here?! GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!
Fat christian no.01: I ain't moving an inch.
TemplarLord: You're so fat, you *CAN'T* move an inch.
Fat Christian no.02: That ain't no way to be treating a sister of faith, brother.
TemplarLord: I ain't your brother, and you ain't my phreaking sisters, you have my bro's and I WANT to see them! NOW!
(Fat christian no.01 bursts into tears)
Ugly christian no.02: What's going on here?
Fat Christian no.02: He told us he ain't our brother!
TemplarLord: I want to see them, now!
Ugly christian no.02: And who are you?
(TemplarLord punches Ugly christian no.02)
TemplarLord: I honestly can't distinct you from the reporters.
Clyde: Boss... Boss! The hell are you doing here?!
TemplarLord: I came to ask you the same damn question! Just don't tell me you tried not to pay the whores at the Den again?
Dylan: We never even came near the Den, boss!
TemplarLord: ... You tried to rob someone? Tried to take a pistol off a C-Sec officer? Tried to convince a Hanar to follow Allah?
APOW: No!
Clyde: We got enslaved by these christians dude!
TemplarLord: (says facing the crowd of people) Enslaved?
Angry christian no.03: Yes, and they are about to be sent to the never ending depths of hell!
TemplarLord: HOSTAGES?!
*TemplarLord gets his HMWP X*
TemplarLord: The fuck y'all think who you are?!
Dylan: Oh HELLZ YH, you show 'em who's boss, boss!
*Angry christian Crowd get their sticks and crosses out*
TemplarLord: Oh, whacha gonna do? Point a cross at me and hope I run away?
Angry christian no.02: Not really.
*Angry christian Crowd starts beating TemplarLord down -- TemplarLord shoots a few -- Angry christian Crowd knocks TemplarLord out*
Fat christian no.02: We did it! We got another one!
(Angry christian Crowd cheers)
(A large column falls on Angry christian Crowd)
(Angry christian Crowd stops cheering)
--
(10 minutes after...)
--
(Atheist POW's bust themselves out)
Dylan: Good riddance!
Clyde: Fuck yeah! Gawd damn christians, can't even get into a bar without them interfering.
Dylan: You'd think even christians would be crazy about booteh...
Clyde: Dude, even if you freaking drugged them to the edge, they would still never flirt around.
Dylan: When you're a virgin in your 30's, you're a virgin for life... Lol, look, this one looks like... Rofl, it is him!
Clyde: Is who?
Dylan: It's the christian pope lol!
Clyde: Oh, I thought you were referring to Temp who's over there and by the looks of it, ain't breathing.
Dylan: (Looks at the body) He ain't dead is he? Check his pulse.
Clyde: I'm not gonna do that! You do it.
Dylan: Fuck joo, I ain't touching a dead dude!
Clyde: Gawd damn, he's dead... Fuck sakes dude, fuck sakes.
(Atheist POW's hear sobbing a few meters from them)
Clyde: Wuz that?
Dylan: Prolly just some Space Monkeys.
Clyde: Space Monkeys?
Dylan: Yeah.
Clyde: On the Citadel?
Dylan: ... Weren't we transported to the far away, outlandish planet of Eletania?
(Clyde slaps Dylan)
Unknown Person no.01: Argh...
Clyde: Probably just one of the christians that survived.
Dylan: Oh, look, it really is the Citadel! We're not on Eletania.
Clyde: I can not believe the people that I'm calling friends...
Unknown Person no.01: (Sobbing) Help me... You fuckups...
Dylan: Let's go kill that christian.
Clyde: Let's. Just make sure you say something cool when you're doing it. Like a finishing move.
Dylan: You know I will.
(Atheist POW's walk to Unknown Person no.01)
Dylan: Your child molesting days are over with! (loads his pistol)
Clyde: Child molesting is used too much these days... How about 'you're about to get a bj from god?'
Dylan: Haha, I'll remember that one!
Clyde: C'mon, get rid of him so we can go get Temp's body to... Wherever dead bodies go. Might have to call Dave.
Dylan: Err, dude? This one looks like him Temp as well.
Clyde: I always knew you need glasses... Oh, he does look like him, 'cept this one is alive.
Dylan: What if he disguised as our boss? We wouldn't have any way to tell.
Clyde: Not unless he can prove it; lemme think this over... That's it!
(Clyde comes closer to Unknown Person no.01 and crouches down)
Clyde: Tell me...
Unknown Person no.01: (Almost bled to death) I'm your boss, you idiots...
Clyde: Hmm, he curses like Temp... And mostly on his crew too. I'll have to think of another way so we can be certain.
Dylan: Just hurry up, this place gives me the chills... So many dead bodies and blood.
Clyde: Just like we're playing F.E.A.R. dude, turn your flash on and you'll feel better.
(Dylan turns on his flashlight in the middle of the day)
Dylan: Hey yeah, that did help!
(After 15 minutes of intensive read... thinking made by Clyde)
Clyde: I got it! (Comes closer to Unknown Person no.01) Say you had to get into your own ship, and you forgot the voice password, what would you say first?
Unknown Person no.01: For fuck sakes... (Manages to get up, slaps both Clyde and Dylan)
[Unknown Person no.01 is now known as TemplarLord -- Atheist Prisoners of War are now known as TemplarLord's Crew]
Clyde: Oh shiz dude, sorry, we had to be sure...
Dylan: Yeah, what if you were a deadly Eletania space monkey? You could've killed us both.
TemplarLord: No shit, huh? (Grabs his waist -- TL's badly bleeding)
Clyde: Damn niggah, you must've lost a lot of blood! Let's get you to a hospital, man.
TemplarLord: I agree with that idea.
(TL's Crew helps TemplarLord to walk)
Dylan: We'll get you there in no time buddy.
TemplarLord: You know, if I wasn't, like, so weak n slow right now, I would probably slap you till you fall, beat you to death, and then fire you.
Clyde: Good thing you can't move on your own then, huh?
TemplarLord: Just get me to the hospital, I can fire you later. By the way, have...
(Angry christian no.02 appears 30 meters behind of TL's Crew)
Angry christian no.02: Remember me?! I'm gonna finish you all off this time with my killer stick!
(Angry christian no.02 starts running towards TL's Crew)
Dylan: Lemme just get ma Crossfire IX...
*Dylan kills Angry christian no.02*
Dylan: Boom, headshot!
Clyde: I hate what CSS and super fast extranet turned him into.
*TemplarLord gets shot by an Assassination attempt*
Clyde: HOLY SHIT!
Dylan: Hot damn! Wait, I see the attacker!
Clyde: Let's get the son of a bitch!
*Unknown Attacker no.01 shots a couple more shots, none of them hit anyone*
Clyde: I see him!
*Clyde hits Unknown Attacker no.01*
Dylan: He's down, I see him too! Let's finish him off!
(TL's Crew reaches Unknown Attacker no.01's position)
Clyde: Oh, it's him.
[Unknown Attacker no.01 is now known as SomeNoob]
SomeNoob: (Lying in a pool of blood and own entrails) Yeah, it's me, and it looks like I'm better than TemplarLord now! I haz hax; only 15 more secs and I'll have full health again.
Clyde: No you won't.
Dylan: Thinking what I'm thinking?
Clyde: Hellz yeah.
*TL's Crew get their Armageddon shotguns*
Dylan: This is how we deal with cheaters.
SomeNoob: No, just 7 more seconds! Gawd damn game engine doesn't allow it sooner!
*TL's Crew shoots and obliterates SomeNoob*
Dylan: He's not gonna be bakk.
Clyde: Dude, let's get back to Temp!
(TL's Crew runs towards TemplarLord)
Dylan: Shit dude... He's dead.
Clyde: ... I guess we'll have to get him to wherever dead bodies go after all... And call Dave.
[TemplarLord's Crew are now known as NeutralPeople]
Dylan: So? What are you waiting for?
Clyde: Yeah, yeah, lemme find a cellphone that works first.
Dylan: What happened to yours?
Clyde: One of the christians stole it... Ah, here's one. -- Works too.
Dylan: You'd think christians wouldn't steal other people's stuff...
(Calling Dave)
Clyde: You'd think they wouldn't try to kill people either...
Dave: Yah?
Clyde: Dave! So glad to hear a friendly voice! Listen, we had some complications.
Dave: Like you're the only ones. The Citadel is in ruins. Where were you fighting during the attack?
Clyde: We were held captive by christians, TemplarLord managed to save us though... Sort to speak.
Dylan: Tell him about the massive rock dude; that shit was dope!
Clyde: Shhh...
Dave: Christians? What christians?
Clyde: ... The ones that attacked the Citadel?
Dave: The Citadel was attacked by the Geth.
Clyde: (confused) Listen, whatever, we need your advice... Temp's been killed.
Dave: So? Just re-load the game. Temp is probably waiting for you in the lobby right now.
Clyde: Oh, snap. Yah, that makes sense. I'll speak to ya later Dave... Temp's gonna be mad.
Dylan: C'mon faster, I'm hungry.
Dave: Yeah, you do that, kisses!
Clyde: Ewww! (hangs up) C'mon, we got to re-load the game.
Dylan: ... How will that help?
(Clyde slaps Dylan)
Clyde: Just do it.