TemplarLord's Mass Effect Story v1.5

Beginning of v1.0...

TemplarLord: So, you played Mass Effect yet?
SomeNoob: No, I haven't.
TemplarLord: You haven't played Mass Effect yet? You son of a...
*Readies his HMSWR X*
(SomeNoob gulps)
NeutralPeople: Yo, dawg, chill! Chill!!
TemplarLord: Lemme have him! I'll vaporize the bitch!! I'll go all Saren-style on his ass!!!
(SomeNoob runs away)
TemplarLord: You can run... But my Battle Optics X will pick you up... Muahahahaha!

Beginning of v1.1...

SomeNoob: (Yells from a distance) Hihi, no it won't, I got the Geth Jammer, u'll never find me!
TemplarLord: Gawd damn... Shit! Get to tha Mako! AfSAP!
NeutralPeople: Hell no, u ain't paying us nearly enough money for this shit!
TemplarLord: Aight, aight, we're off to tha Den once we're @ the Citadel? Cool?
NeutralPeople: U better keep your gawd damn word this time...
[NeutralPeople are now known as TemplarLord's Crew]
TemplarLord: To tha Mako!!

Beginning of v1.2...

--
(After 2 hours of hopeless searching)
--
TL's Crew Member no.01: 'Tis futile u infidel! We're never gonna find his sorry ass!
TemplarLord: Whaddya say?!
*TemplarLord gets his HMWP X*
TemplarLord's Crew: Not again...!
*TemplarLord fires a few mislead shots into TL's crew member*
TemplarLord: Aww, it's hopeless... Let's go back to tha Citadel.
(TemplarLord's crew cheers)
TemplarLord: (quietly) Celebrate now; while u still can...
TL's Crew Member no.03: What was that, sir?
TemplarLord: Nothing, nothing, move along.
TL's Crew Member no.03: (quietly) Crazy maniac...
TL's Crew Member no.02: Tell me about it...
*TemplarLord fires a shot near TL's Crew Member no.03*
TemplarLord: I thought I said MOVE ALONG!

Beginning of v1.3...

TL's Crew Member no.03: Holy shit!
(TL's Crew Member runs away)
TemplarLord: Good, run away ho!
TL's Crew Member no.01: Let's just get to the Citadel, please?
TemplarLord: Aight, let's move.
--
(After 3 hours of riding in tha Mako)
--
TL's Crew Member no.02: Hot damn niggah, ya can't ride for shit!
TemplarLord: Uhh...
TL's Crew Member no.01: STFU, I told ya, 'tis a shortcut, naamean?
TemplarLord: Oh fu... blarghhhh...
TL's Crew Member no.02: W/E ya crazy, old, blind fool, just get us there.
(TemplarLord pukes)
TemplarLord's Crew: Aww, sick dude!
TL's Crew Member no.01: I thought I told you not to eat that wicked looking pizza thingy, ya phreak.
TemplarLord: Uhh... Well now you have it back, ya happy now?
TL's Crew Member no.02: Let's just get back to the Citadel, k?
--
(After arriving to the ship)
--
TemplarLord: Finally; next time, I drive.
TL's Crew Member no.01: Ya really think that to be a good idea ya idio... I mean, sir.
TemplarLord: Sure ya do; come on let's get on teh ship.
(Reaching the front entrance)
TemplarLord: 'Sup, c'mon, let us in.
Ship VI: Your identification password, sir?
TemplarLord: Ya deaf? Let us in!
TL's Crew Member no.01: Ya have to say the password... Sir.
TemplarLord: Ermm, ID pass, ID pass, what did I put here... Open, sesame?
Ship VI: ...
TemplarLord: Ermm, melon?
Ship VI: ...
TL's Crew Member no.01: Maybe if you remember the time when you inputed the password, sir?
TL's Crew Member no.02: Yeah, put yourself in that position, if you had to input the password again, what would you say?
TemplarLord: Hmm, an ID password, what to pick, what to pick...
Ship VI: Access granted, welcome back skippie.
(TL's Crew laughing)
TemplarLord: Argh, remind me to re-programme that later.
TL's Crew Member no.02: Will do.
TL's Crew Member no.01: Sure we will...
TemplarLord: STFU, let's get back to tha Citadel ya dorks.
--
(After docking at the Citadel -- in the elevator from the Docking Bay to C-Sec)
--
TL's Crew Member no.01: Finally here... Chora's Den here we come!
TL's Crew Member no.02: Boss, ya coming along?
TemplarLord: I'll catch ya later, got some biz to take care of.
(Exiting the elevator)
TL's Crew Member no.02: W/E, catch ya later.
TL's Crew Member no.01: Peace out.
(Seeing the Citadel decorated in a weird, flashy style)
TemplarLord: WTF?
TL's Crew Member no.01: The hell?
TL's Crew Member no.02: I think we traveled along the wrong relay dudes... I told ya it was right, not left you moron!
TemplarLord: Nah, this is the Citadel, only, seems to have been assaulted and taken over by a
bunch of christians! Prepare for battle!
*TL's Crew get their gunz out -- TemplarLord prepares his HMWP X*
TemplarLord: You see a christian, you fucking blow their brainz out. No phreaking exceptions, got it?
TL's Crew: Got it.
C-Sec Officer: What the hell are joo doing?
TemplarLord: You believe in christ?
C-Sec Officer: Hell nah.
TemplarLord: Good, then you can join us in taking over the Citadel from the evil christians.
C-Sec Officer: Wow, wow, hold on a moment there, what christians?
TL's Crew Member no.02: The ones that obviously took the Citadel over and ruined it!
C-Sec Officer: What... Ohh, nah, ya got it all wrong, Christians didn't took over the station.
TL's Crew Member no.01: They didn't? Then what the hell is this christmas stuff doing all over tha station?
C-Sec Officer: The humans passed a proposal of decorating the whole station like this, and it passed with the Council.
TemplarLord: It passed? WTF were they thinking?!
TL's Crew Member no.01: It's obvious. They weren't.
TemplarLord: Is there a part of the Citadel which wasn't decorated?
C-Sec Officer: Yeah, there's the atheistic part of the citadel which wasn't decorated... But it's sort of messed up, some parts are decorated, the religious parts, and some aren't... I.E. the Flux, for one, wasn't.
TL's Crew: Chora's Den?
C-Sec Officer: 'Course not.
TL's Crew Member no.02: Oh, hellz yeah, that's all I care about.
(TL's Crew makes it's way to the Den)
TemplarLord: Worst time of the year...
(People passing by): No shit Sherlock.

Beginning of v1.4...

--
(TL's Crew making it's way to the Den)
--
TL's Crew Member no.01: For fuck sakes, the hell all these people doing around here?!
TL's Crew Member no.02: It's fucking Christmas dude, what the hell did you expect?
TL's Crew Member no.01: Well, I sure as hell didn't expect this...!
TL's Crew Member no.02: FUCKING CHRISTMAS!!! FUCK JESUS BLOODY CHRIST & FUCK GOD!!! FUCK 'EM ALL!!!
(Dozens of people face towards TL's Crew)
TL's Crew Member no.02: ... Oh shit.
TL's Crew Member no.01: Good going stupid! -- Just to clarify, I do not know this man!
Ugly christian no.01: Don't you know that jesus christ saved us from eternal damnation?
Fat christian no.01: Don't you care for our holy savior, who sacrificed himself for our sins?
TL's Crew Member no.01: Sure we do, I-I mean I do!
TL's Crew Member no.02: Not really no, we're atheists, and we were just making our way to the Den, so if you could, MOVE THE FUCK AWAY.
(TL's Crew Member no.01 slaps TL's Crew Member no.02)
TL's Crew Member no.02: Jesus fucking christ, what'd you do that for?!
TL's Crew Member no.01: Well, like, you're laughing at other people's religion n shit like that...
TL's Crew Member no.02: Oooooh, look who's talking, you curse god all the fucking time!
TL's Crew Member no.01: Nah, he's just kidding folks...
Angry christian no.01: Alright, that's it, GET THEM!
(Angry christian Crowd takes TL's Crew as prisoners)
[TemplarLord's Crew are now known as Atheist POW's]
--
(TemplarLord walking through the Presidium)
--
TemplarLord: Oh shit, Imma be sick again...
(TemplarLord's cell rings)
TemplarLord: Oh bloody hell... Arrrrgh...
(TemplarLord vomits in the river)
Asari Consort: Ewwww, sick!
TemplarLord: Ah, much better.
Asari Consort: (Quietly) Weirdo...
(TemplarLord answers his cell)
TemplarLord: 'Sup.
Dave: Yo ma homie, wassup!!
TemplarLord: (exhales) Whaddya want Dave?
Dave: That ain't no way to be treating a nigga homeboi, but whatever, I got a msg for you from Udina.
TemplarLord: What is it?
(TemplarLord sees his Crew on the news)
Dave: You are to immediately assemble your crew and get back to your ship; supposedly, there's an attack coming from the Geth! Understood soulja?
(TemplarLord drops his cell and runz toward the Den)
Dave: ... You there niggah?
--
(Reaching the Angry christian Crowd)
--
TemplarLord: THE FUCK is going on around here?! GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY!
Fat christian no.01: I ain't moving an inch.
TemplarLord: You're so fat, you *CAN'T* move an inch.
Fat Christian no.02: That ain't no way to be treating a sister of faith, brother.
TemplarLord: I ain't your brother, and you ain't my phreaking sisters, you have my bro's and I WANT to see them! NOW!
Ugly christian no.02: What's going on here?
TemplarLord: I want to see them, now!
Ugly christian no.02: Alright, hold your horses, I'll take you to 'em.
(Ugly christian no.02 takes TemplarLord to the Atheist POW's)
APOW no.01: BOSS?! WTF are you doing here?!
TemplarLord: I came to ask you the same damn question! Just tell me that you didn't try not to pay the whores at the Den again?
APOW no.02: We never even came near the Den, boss!
TemplarLord: ... You tried to rob someone? Tried to take a pistol off a C-Sec officer? Tried to convince a Hanar to follow Allah?
APOW: No!
APOW no.01: We got enslaved by these christians dude!
TemplarLord: (says facing the crowd of people) Enslaved?
Angry christian no.03: Well yeah dude, we took them as hostages.
TemplarLord: HOSTAGES?!
*TemplarLord gets his HMWP X*
TemplarLord: The fuck y'all think who you are?!
APOW no.02: Oh HELLZ YH, you show 'em who's boss, boss!
*Angry christian Crowd get their sticks and crosses out*
TemplarLord: Oh, whacha gonna do? Point a cross at me and hope I run away?
Angry christian no.02: Not really.
(Angry christian Crowd starts beating TemplarLord -- TemplarLord shoots a few -- Angry christian Crowd knocks TemplarLord out)
Fat christian no.02: We did it! We got another one!
(Angry christian Crowd cheers)
(A large column falls on Angry christian Crowd)
(Angry christian Crowd stops cheering)

Beginning of v1.5...

--
(10 minutes after...)
--
(Atheist POW's bust themselves out)
APOW no.02: Good riddance!
APOW no.01: Fukk YEAH! Gawd damn christians, can't even get into a bar without them interfering.
APOW no.02: LoL, look, this one looks like... Oh shit, it is him!
APOW no.01: Is who?
APOW no.02: It's tha boss dude!
APOW no.01: (Looks at the body) He ain't dead is he?
APOW no.02: I dunno. Check his pulse.
APOW no.01: I'm not gonna do that! You do it.
APOW no.02: Fuck joo, I ain't touching a dead dude!
APOW no.01: Gawd damn, he's dead... Fuck sakes dude, fuck sakes.
(Atheist POW's hear sobbing a few metres from them)
APOW no.01: Wuz that?
APOW no.02: Prolly just some Space Monkeys.
APOW no.01: Space Monkeys?
APOW no.02: Yeah.
APOW no.01: On the Citadel?
APOW no.02: ... Weren't we transported to the far away, outlandish planet of Eletania?
(APOW no.01 slaps APOW no.02)
Unknown Person no.01: Argh...
APOW no.01: Probably just one of the christians that survived.
APOW no.02: Oh, look, it really is the Citadel! We're not on Eletania.
APOW no.01: I can not believe the people that I'm calling my friends...
Unknown Person no.01: (Sobbing) Help me... You fuckups...
APOW no.02: Let's go kill that christian.
APOW no.01: Let's.
(Atheist POW's walk to Unknown Person no.01)
APOW no.02: Your days are over with, you child molester! (loads his pistol)
APOW no.01: Get rid of him so we can go get Temp's body to... Wherever dead bodies go. Might even call Dave.
APOW no.02: Err, dude? This one looks like him as well.
APOW no.01: I always knew you need glasses... Oh, he does look like him, 'cept this one is alive.
APOW no.02: What if he disguised as our boss? We wouldn't have any way to tell.
APOW no.01: Not unless he can prove it; lemme think this over... That's it!
(APOW no.01 comes closer to Unknown Person no.01 and crouches down)
APOW no.01: Tell me...
Unknown Person no.01: (Almost bled to death) I'm your boss, you idiot...
APOW no.01: Hmm, he curses all the time like TL did... And mostly on his crew too. I'll have to think of another way so we can be certain.
APOW no.02: Just hurry up, this place gives me the chills... So many dead bodies and blood.
APOW no.01: Just like we're playing F.E.A.R. dude, turn your flash on and you'll feel better.
(APOW no.02 turns on his flashlight in the middle of the day)
APOW no.02: Hey yeah, that did help!
(After 15 minutes of intensive read... thinking made by APOW no.01)
APOW no.01: I got it! (Comes closer to Unknown Person no.01) Say you had to get into your own ship, and you forgot the voice password, what would you say first?
Unknown Person no.01: For fuck sakes... (Manages to get up, slaps both APOW no.01 and APOW no.02)
[Unknown Person no.01 is now known as TemplarLord -- Aheist Prisoners of War are now known as TemplarLord's Crew]
TL's Crew Member no.02: Oh shiz dude, sorry, didn't recognize ya there...
TemplarLord: No shit, huh? (Grabs his waist -- TL's badly bleeding)
TL's Crew Member no.01: Damn niggah, you must've lost a lot of blood! Let's get you to a hospital, man.
TemplarLord: I agree with that idea.
(TL's Crew helps TemplarLord to walk)
TL's Crew Member no.02: We'll get you there in no time buddy.
TemplarLord: You know, if I wasn't, like, so weak n slow right now, I would probably slap you till you fall, beat you to death, and then fire you.
TL's Crew Member no.01: Good thing you can't move on your own then, huh?
TemplarLord: Just get me to the hospital, I can fire you later. By the way, have...
(Angry Christian no.02 appears 30 meters behind of TL's Crew)
Angry Christian no.02: Remember me?! I'm gonna finish you all off this time with my killer stick!
(Angry Christian no.02 starts running towards TL's Crew)
TL's Crew Member no.02: Lemme just get ma Crossfire IX...
(TL's Crew Member no.02 kills Angry Christian no.02)
TL's Crew Member no.02: Boom, headshot!
TL's Crew Member no.01: I hate what CSS and super fast extranet turned him into.
(TemplarLord's gets shot by an Assassination attempt)
TL's Crew Member no.01: HOLY SHIT!
TL's Crew Member no.02: Hot damn! Wait, I see the attacker!
TL's Crew Member no.01: Let's get the son of a bitch!
(Unknown Attacker no.01 shots a couple more shots, none of them hit anyone)
TL's Crew Member no.01: I see him!
(TL's Crew Member no.01 hits Unknown Attacker no.01)
TL's Crew Member no.02: He's down, I see him too! Let's finish him off!
(TL's Crew reaches Unknown Attacker no.01's position)
TL's Crew Member no.01: Oh, it's him.
[Unknown Attacker no.01 is now known as SomeNoob]
SomeNoob: (Lying in a pool of blood and own entrails) Yeah, it's me, and it looks like I'm better than TemplarLord now! I haz hax; only 15 more secs and I'll have full health again.
TL's Crew Member no.01: No you won't.
TL's Crew Member no.02: Thinking what I'm thinking?
TL's Crew Member no.01: Hellz yeah.
(TL's Crew get their Armageddon shotguns)
TL's Crew Member no.02: This is how we deal with cheaters.
SomeNoob: No, just 7 more seconds! Gawd damn game engine doesn't allow it sooner!
*TL's Crew shoots and obliterates SomeNoob*
TL's Crew Member no.01: He's not gonna be bakk.
TL's Crew Member no.02: Dude, let's get back to Temp!
(TL's Crew runs towards TemplarLord)
TL's Crew Member no.02: Shit dude... He's dead.
TL's Crew Member no.01: ... I guess we'll have to get him to wherever dead bodies go after all... And call Dave.
[TemplarLord's Crew are now known as NeutralPeople]